If He Knew
by Roving Otter
Summary: Lee struggles with his sexuality and his feelings for a certain person. Takes place pre-series.
1. Chapter 1

Maito Gai stood at the end of the training field, hands on his hips, smiling broadly. "Gather 'round, my dear students! I have a surprise for you today."

Neji, Tenten and Lee stood in a row, waiting—Lee with breathless expectation, Neji and Tenten with wary expressions.

Gai pulled something out from behind his back: a green jumpsuit, identical to his own.

"Uh-oh," muttered Neji.

Gai held up the jumpsuit. "This is a ninja's ideal garment. It's durable, lightweight, flexible and water-resistant. It will keep you warm in the bitterest cold of winter and cool on the most sweltering summer day. I guarantee you, once you try it, you'll never want to take it off."

Lee let out a delighted cry and ran toward his sensei. He took the jumpsuit in both hands and turned it, inspecting it from every angle. "Gai Sensei, thank you!"

Gai beamed. "I have one for each of you."

"Are you serious?" asked Tenten.

"Of course!" Gai gave them a thumbs up. "It's really no trouble. They're not expensive."

"Don't you think we'd look a little strange? I mean, all of us walking around in identical jumpsuits?"

"Well, we are a team, after all. Think of it as a uniform."

"Not to sound ungrateful," said Neji, "but I think I'll stick with my own outfit."

Gai's smile faded a bit. "Well, it's your choice. But I think if you just try it out..."

"No thanks," said Tenten. "I mean—it's very nice, don't get me wrong, but…I just don't see myself in green."

"They have other colors…"

"What I mean is, I really don't see myself in a jumpsuit at all."

"I think it is wonderful." Lee held the jumpsuit against himself. "No one has ever given me a present before. I cannot wait to try it on."

Gai's face brightened. "I promise you won't be disappointed."

* * *

The next morning, Lee woke, showered, changed into the jumpsuit, and stood in front of the bathroom mirror, turning back and forth. He looked a little more like Gai Sensei. Except…

A sudden burst of inspiration hit him. He went back into the bedroom, pried open his turtle-shaped ceramic bank, and counted the money inside. He had just enough.

He went straight to the barber shop and said, "Hello, sir. I want a bowl cut."

The barber eyed Lee's green jumpsuit, scratched his head, and shrugged. "All right. Hop in the chair."

An hour later, Lee left, running his hands over his new hairstyle. His head felt strangely light, and the back of his neck felt naked without the extra hair to cover it, but his heart bubbled with excitement. _Wait 'til he sees me._

As he walked toward the training field, Lee began to wonder if it had been a silly thing to do. Wearing the jumpsuit made sense, because Gai had given it to him, but perhaps copying his hairstyle was taking it a step too far—even if it did (in Lee's opinion) look better than his old style. He ran his hand through his shortened hair again.

Too late to go back now.

He arrived at the training field. Normally, Lee was the first to show up, but today, Tenten and Neji were already there, waiting.

Tenten looked at him and did a double-take. "What in the world?"

Neji's cool expression never wavered. "You see this sort of thing in geese. It's called imprinting. The young unthinkingly mimic the behavior of the adults."

Lee frowned. "You are making fun of me."

"Very observant."

"I happen to think I look better with a bowl cut. That is all. And the jumpsuit is more comfortable and flexible than my old clothes."

"Ah, I see. So it has nothing to do with Gai Sensei or the fact that you worship the ground he walks on."

"I think it's kind of cute, actually," said Tenten.

"What? The bowl cut, or his passionate devotion to a man who likes to run laps around the village at three in the morning while balancing a coconut on his head?"

"It was not a coconut, it was a squash. And he did it to train his sense of balance," said Lee.

"He did it because he's a loony. How often does a ninja have to balance something on his head during a battle?"

"He is not a loony! Stop making fun of Gai Sensei!"

Tenten rolled her eyes. "Must we have this conversation every morning?"

"How can I just say nothing when he insults my sensei? He has no right…"

"We'll have to continue this fascinating discussion later," said Neji. "Your idol just arrived."

Lee tensed and looked up to see Gai approaching them across the field. Gai smiled and waved. "Ah, you're here early! What a delight, to see all your shining, youthful faces waiting for me."

"I do not have a shining, youthful face," said Neji. "Take that back."

"Ah, Neji, always joking around…" His gaze fell on Lee, and his eyes widened.

Warmth rose into Lee's cheeks. He laced his fingers together behind his back, suddenly self-conscious. "Good morning, Gai Sensei."

"Lee, you…" He stared, mouth open. Then he laughed, ran toward Lee and swept him up in a bear-hug. Gai spun around in a circle with Lee in his arms, momentarily lifting him off the ground, then set him down again. "I feel like I'm looking into a mirror!"

Lee grinned. "Does it look all right?"

"All right? You're devastatingly handsome. The girls will swoon the moment they see you."

"I'm a girl," Tenten pointed out.

"Ah, but you spend so much time around Lee. When the mountain is in one's backyard, one does not see its majesty."

"What does that even mean?" asked Neji.

Gai didn't seem to hear him. "Right, my young friends, let's get started! We've got a mission to complete."

"Yes, sir!" Lee saluted.

Neji sighed as he followed them across the field.

* * *

"Honestly," muttered Neji, "they call this a mission? Looking for a lost cat?"

They walked through the forest side by side. They'd split into two teams to cover more ground; Gai Sensei and Tenten were searching the south end of the village, while Neji and Lee searched the north end.

"What's more," said Neji, "I'm pretty sure it's the same cat we found last month. The poor creature is desperate to escape that woman. Someone should just put it out of its misery…but then Konoha wouldn't have enough useless D-rank missions to keep the rookies busy."

"Gai Sensei says all missions are important, no matter how small they may seem."

"Gai Sensei isn't always right, you know. Actually, he's wrong about a lot of things. I mean, we're talking about a man who thinks orange legwarmers look good."

"Gai Sensei is a great man. And there is nothing wrong with his clothes. In fact, I happen to think he is the most handsome man in Konoha."

"Your aesthetics are a little warped."

"Stop it. I meant what I said earlier. You should show him more respect. He _is _your sensei, after all…not to mention the strongest Taijutsu specialist in Konoha."

"He's brilliant at Taijutsu, I'll grant him that, but that's about all he's got going for him."

Lee clenched his fists. "He is also a very wise man."

"No he's not. He just spouts a lot of clichéd garbage about believing in yourself and working hard."

"It is _not _garbage!" Lee glared at him. "What is your problem? All you ever do is sneer at people and make fun of them. I am tired of you making nasty remarks about Gai Sensei behind his back."

"Well, maybe I'm tired of you always going on about how wonderful he is," Neji snapped. "You think everything he says and does is brilliant. It's embarrassing to listen to you. 'Oh, Gai Sensei, you're so wise!' 'Oh, Gai Sensei, you're so strong! Teach me how to be just like you!' You act as if you're in love with him. You may as well just get down on your knees and suck his dick."

Lee stared, stunned. Neji was often sharp-tongued, but in all the time they'd spent training together, Lee had never heard him say something so crass. Heat rose into his cheeks. "It…it is not like that. I admire him. I respect him. That is all."

Neji sighed. "I know. Sorry." He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Let's just look for the stupid cat."

* * *

They completed the mission within a few hours. Lee challenged Neji to a duel, lost, and spent the evening training alone, trying to lose himself in the movement of his body.

"One thousand five hundred and fifty-seven…one thousand five hundred and fifty-eight…" He gritted his teeth. "If I cannot do two thousand sit-ups, I must do three thousand jumping jacks!"

When he finished, he flopped onto the grass, panting and drenched in sweat. Stars shone against the velvety blue-black sky.

"Lee!" boomed a deep voice.

Lee leaped to his feet and turned. Though he'd been exhausted a moment before, a burst of fresh energy filled him when he saw the familiar, green-clad form step into the clearing. "Gai Sensei!"

Gai approached, smiling. "You've been working hard, I see."

He nodded, noticing how the moonlight reflected off his sensei's coal-black hair. Funny, how he noticed those kind of things. Gai really _was _very handsome…and he had such warm, kind eyes. Lee sometimes felt that he could stare at that face for hours. "I challenged Neji again today. I lost, but I managed to hold out a little longer than last time. I think."

"Keep it up. If you put enough time and effort into your training, you'll definitely defeat him."

"Do you really think so?"

He nodded. "Of all my students, you've improved the most. You're already much stronger than you were when you first became a Genin."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. I'm proud of you, Lee."

Lee smiled, a flush rising into his cheeks. Gai Sensei's praise always gave him a rush of joy that he felt from head to toe. It started as a warmth in his chest, then spread throughout his whole body, making his heartbeat quicken and filling him with a burning desire to do better, to strive harder, to make Gai proud of him so he could see that smile again.

"Care to run a few laps with me?" asked Gai.

"Yes, sir!"

* * *

That night, Lee returned to his cramped, sparsely furnished apartment near the edge of the village. He made himself a quick dinner of rice, ate, showered, changed into his sleep-clothes and lay down on the thin floor-mat that served as his bed. He pulled a blanket over himself and looked at the framed picture of Team Gai that he kept near his pillow. His gaze wandered to his sensei's face. Then he rolled onto his other side and closed his eyes.

But sleep didn't come easy.

He felt strange…restless, despite the exhaustion and soreness in his body. He kept tossing and turning. Neji's words kept echoing in his head: _You may as well just get down on your knees and suck his dick.  
_

He wondered why he was still thinking about that. True, it had been rude and unexpected—not at all like Neji's usual brand of cool, refined cruelty. Still, people had said worse things to him back at the Academy. It shouldn't bother him.

Why did it?

Lee stared at the ceiling.

Gai Sensei had given him a path, a reason to go on hoping and believing. If not for his sensei's support and encouragement, Lee was sure, he would have succumbed to despair by now. Lee had never had a family, and he'd never been good at making friends. Gai was the first person who had acknowledged him, believed in him, cared about him. And Lee adored him. For Neji to speak so dismissively about that precious bond, to reduce it to something so crude and physical…

_I wonder what it would be like._

The thought flashed through his head before he could stop it, and he was instantly mortified. He hid his hot face against the pillow and realized—to his further embarrassment and confusion—that he was hard.

Rock Lee had never masturbated. He was vaguely aware that this made him a rarity among boys his age, but he'd never thought much about _why _he didn't. He supposed he'd always regarded it as one of those weaknesses that took time and energy away from training—a vice, like alcohol or gambling—and thus, he'd done his best to ignore his occasional urges.

He thought about Gai Sensei's warm, dark eyes, his hands—for some reason, Lee had been noticing his hands a lot lately. They were large, firm and calloused from training, the knuckles scarred. From time to time, Lee felt those hands on his body when Gai corrected his fighting stance, and it always gave him a little thrill of pleasure. It seemed somehow secret, forbidden, almost wicked…

_Why am I having these thoughts now?_

Sleep. He needed to sleep. He tried to focus on his breathing, but his mind kept wandering. He rolled back and forth, trying to find a comfortable position. He was usually too exhausted at the end of the day to notice how thin his sleeping mat was.

Except he knew it wasn't really the mat that was keeping him up.

He stared at the ceiling, his heart pounding as if he'd just finished running laps. His face felt flushed. And he was still hard. He was never going to get to sleep like this. _Maybe just this once..._

Lee gulped. Then, slowly, he reached into his pajama pants.

For awhile he tried thinking about Sakura, the pretty little green-eyed girl from the Academy. Then he tried thinking about Tenten, but stopped right away because it felt weird. She was almost like a sister…not that he'd ever had one, but he'd always imagined it would feel like that. His mind shuffled through every girl he knew, trying to find one that felt right, but his thoughts kept returning to his sensei's warm, dark eyes, his smile, his firm, calloused, gentle hands, and his deep voice—

_I'm proud of you, Lee._

Lee's breathing quickened, and he buried his face against the pillow to muffle his soft moans.

A few minutes later, he pulled his hand out of his pants and stared at the thick, white liquid dripping from his palm.

_What is wrong with me? _he wondered. Gai was his teacher. He was more than twice Lee's age. Lee wasn't supposed to be having these kind of feelings about him.

He wiped off his hand and dropped the crumpled tissues into the trash can, his heart aching with confusion and guilt. He hid his face against the pillow, his eyes stinging with tears, and he wondered…

If Gai knew, what would he think?

-To be continued


	2. Chapter 2

AN: More Lee-angst. I really torment this poor kid. Seems that the characters I like the most are the ones who always get put through the wringer in my stories...

Anyway, please review.

* * *

"Do you know that kid?"

"Yeah. Rock Lee. He's the one who can't use Ninjutsu or Genjutsu."

Lee tried to ignore the whispered voices as he walked past. A group of children stood by the street-side, watching him.

"I don't know why they let him graduate," muttered one girl. "How can he be a ninja without Ninjutsu? It makes no sense."

"Yeah, the teachers probably just felt sorry for him."

"Kind of funny-looking, isn't he?"

"He creeps me out. He's got those bug eyes. And those weird eyelashes."

"Not to mention those brows. I mean, really, have you ever seen anything like them? They're like some kind of furry alien parasite taking over his face."

Muffled snickers greeted this remark. Lee's throat tightened, and he quickened his pace. _It doesn't matter what they think, _he told himself.

But it still hurt.

* * *

Lee sat on a log next to Gai, muscles burning with exertion, his tunic clinging to his sweat-damp skin. The sun sank in the west, painting the clouds a fiery orange.

Sometimes, after Neji and Tenten had gone home for the day, Lee and Gai continued to train together. Normally, these were some of Lee's favorite times; with his sensei, he felt at peace in a way he never felt when he was training alone. And—though he'd never admitted it to himself until now—it was thrilling to have Gai's attention focused completely on him.

Today, however, troubling thoughts tugged at the edges of his mind.

"Everything all right, Lee? You seem distant."

"I am sorry. I was just thinking about things."

"Care to share your thoughts?"

"I do not know if you would find it very interesting."

"Nonsense. You can tell me. What's going on in that youthful mind of yours?"

Lee hesitated. "Gai Sensei…am I ugly?"

Gai's smile vanished, and his eyes widened. "No. Who gave you such an idea, Lee?"

"I overheard some kids talking." He looked away. "I know I should not care what people say. But when you hear things over and over, it is hard not to start believing them."

"People say that about you?"

He nodded, eyes downcast. "It should not matter. I am a ninja. My body is a tool, not a decoration. Still, I feel bad when I hear those things." He stared down at his hands. "I—I suppose I have always known I am not especially good-looking, but…"

"Lee, you are not ugly. Far from it."

He curled his hands into fists. "Then why do they say those things?"

Gai rubbed his chin thoughtfully, staring into space. "The way other people perceive you has a lot to do with the way you perceive yourself. If you think of yourself as ugly, that's what people will see. But if you have confidence in yourself, they'll see that, too. And confidence is attractive."

"You think so?"

Gai nodded.

"I will try to be more confident, then. Maybe that will make a difference. But…you do not think my eyebrows are too bushy, or anything?"

"I have bushy eyebrows. Do you think that makes me ugly?"

"No, never! But…" Lee flushed. "Your face is more handsome than mine. My eyes look like a bug's, and my eyelashes are too long, and…"

"Lee. What did I tell you? Your perception is what matters. It's true that you have a very distinctive look, but that isn't a bad thing. Your unique features are what make you special. Someday, you'll meet someone who loves all those things about you."

"You…you think someone could consider me attractive?"

"Of course." He smiled. "Is there someone you like, Lee? Is that why you're asking about this now?"

Lee flushed a bright red and looked down, his pulse racing. For a moment, he was sure that Gai Sensei knew, and he wanted to curl up into a little ball and disappear. But Gai only chuckled. "It's all right. You don't have to tell me who it is." He lay a hand on Lee's shoulder. "You have many wonderful qualities, inside and out. If you believe in yourself, others will see those qualities and learn to appreciate them. As I do."

Lee's breath caught in his throat. He looked up and met his sensei's gaze.

No one had ever looked at him the way Gai did—with such warmth, such gentleness, as if he understood every fiber of Lee's being, as if he were holding him in his eyes.

_Oh, Sensei, it's _you _I like.  
_

"It's late," said Gai. "Go on home. Get some rest. And remember what I said."

"Yes, Sensei."

* * *

Lee went home.

He took a shower, changed into his sleep clothes and lay down on his floor mat. His eyes wandered to the framed photo beside him. Then he rolled onto his other side, reached into his pants and closed his eyes.

He imagined gentle, strong hands stroking his body, touching and caressing him everywhere—the feel of those hard, calloused palms against his skin. He thought about those warm, dark eyes, gazing into his as if they could see everything inside him, looking at him with such caring, such love, and that smile…he'd do anything just to see that smile.

"Gai Sensei," he whispered.

He buried his face against the pillow, panting. His body twitched, and a small, choked sound escaped his throat as he came.

A moment later, he pulled his hand—now sticky and wet—out of his pants. He stared at it a moment, then went into the bathroom and washed his hands. He returned to his floor mat, lay down and stared at the ceiling, the covers pulled up to his chin.

He slept and dreamed.

In the dream, he stood in the center of the village, naked. A crowd of villagers gathered around, staring at him. Some were snickering, others murmuring in hushed voices, their eyes dark with disapproval.

His heart pounded. He felt sick to his stomach and unbearably hot, as if a burning spotlight shone on him. He tried to cover himself up with his hands, but he knew it didn't matter, because the people could see _everything—_not just his body, but his thoughts, his desires. They _knew. _They knew about what he did at night, and who he thought about. The shame filled his throat, choking him, and stung his eyes with tears.

Then he saw Gai at the edge of the crowd, and fear slammed into his gut like a fist. "Sensei…"

Gai just looked at him with a quiet disappointment. Then he shook his head and walked away.

Lee woke with tears on his face.

* * *

As dawn broke, Lee dressed and went through his usual series of warm-up stretches, followed by an hour of sit-ups, push-ups and weight-lifting. The memory of the dream faded, and he was able to lose himself in the movement of his body, the burn of his muscles. When he was exercising, it was easier to forget all those troubling thoughts: the world seemed simpler, clearer, sharper.

After a quick breakfast, he left his apartment and joined Neji and Tenten in the training field.

They spent the day learning how to walk on water. Lee was worried, at first, that he wouldn't be able to do it, but Gai insisted it was within his capacity. "Water-walking is not Ninjutsu or Genjutsu," he said. "You can manipulate chakra within your body as well as anyone else. Just focus your chakra into the soles of your feet."

After four hours, Lee finally mastered the trick, and Gai rewarded him with a smile that warmed him down to the tips of his toes.

At the end of the day, the team dispersed. "Wait," Lee called to Neji.

Neji looked over one shoulder.

Lee thrust out an arm, pointing. "I challenge you to a match."

"How many times are we going to do this?"

"As many as it takes."

Neji sighed and placed his hands on his hips. "Fine." He extended one hand and curled a finger in beckoning. "Come on."

Lee attacked.

He lasted exactly two minutes and thirty-six seconds before Neji knocked him to the ground. Lee came at him again and again, but each time, the result was the same.

He staggered to his feet, breathing hard. His body ached all over. Blood trickled from a cut on his cheek. "One more time!"

Neji stared at him coolly. He looked as crisp and clean as a model in a magazine photo; there wasn't a single scratch on him or a single bead of perspiration on his face. He wasn't even breathing hard. Oh, what Lee would give to see him pushed to the edge, just once—to see him dirty and sweaty with effort, to see him try, really _try…_

"I've sealed most of your chakra points shut," said Neji. "You can't fight in this condition."

Lee lunged at him. Neji sidestepped neatly, and Lee stumbled. His leg gave out, and he fell to his hands and knees. "I won't give up!" Lee stood and charged Neji again.

Neji touched his wrist and used Lee's own momentum to send him flying. His back struck a tree, and he fell to the grass. Everything in him hurt, but somehow, he forced his body to stand again.

"You're going to seriously injure yourself if you keep this up."

"I do not care!" He staggered toward Neji. "I will keep fighting even if you break all my bones! That is my way of the ninja!"

"Must you always be so dramatic? Look, I'm done. I'm not fighting you anymore today. I have things to take care of at home."

"Fine." Lee turned away. "I will spend some time training alone, then."

"You should go home and rest. You're about to collapse as it is. You used up most of your chakra in that water-walking lesson, and you haven't eaten anything for hours."

"I do not need to rest."

Neji sighed. "Suit yourself. I'm leaving." He turned and walked out of the clearing.

Lee turned and slammed his fist into a nearby tree. He hit it over and over again, jaws clenched, ignoring the pain.

He'd been so sure he would beat Neji today. He'd _felt _it…but in the end, it was always the same. A lump of bitter frustration burned in his throat, and his vision blurred with tears as he punched the tree trunk, dimly aware that his hands were leaving splotches of blood on the rough bark.

_If I cannot do one thousand punches, I must do two thousand squat-thrusts!_

His arms moved in a blur. "Five hundred and sixty-seven," he panted. "Five hundred and sixty-eight…"

His vision grayed out as a tingling numbness crept into his limbs. He ignored it, pushed past it. He had to make himself stronger. He would not let himself rest—not until he beat Neji, until he proved to himself and everyone else that effort _could _make a difference, that a person's fate was not set in stone, that he was worth something, that he was not a loser…

"Seven hundred and twenty-eight! Seven hundred and twenty-nine!"

He _would _become a splendid ninja. He would do it even if he had to work ten times, twenty times harder than Neji, even if he had to endure crippling pain, even if he had to keep pushing himself to the limit every hour, every minute of his life. He would be true to his way of the ninja. He would make Gai Sensei proud…he would…

A wave of weakness rolled through him. His knees trembled and gave out, and he collapsed to the grass, panting. He tried to push himself up, but his limbs felt like overcooked noodles.

_I won't give up…I won't…_

Lee raised his head and stared dully at his hands. He blinked. His knuckles were bloody and raw, the skin shredded, as if someone had attacked his hands with a cheese grater. He saw the white gleam of bone through the torn flesh. Blood seeped onto the grass below. So much blood. _Did I do this? _He hadn't even noticed the pain…

Dizziness washed over him. His eyes went out of focus. A small, weak groan escaped his throat as the world seemed to go into free-fall, trees and ground spinning through his vision.

Then blackness swallowed him.

-To be continued


	3. Chapter 3

Lee woke to the feel of something cool and wet on his brow. His eyelids fluttered open, and he looked around in confusion. He was in a spacious bedroom, and moonlight shone through the window, painting a silver stripe on the floorboards. A lamp glowed nearby. Lee raised his own hands and stared at them. They were swathed in thick bandages, and they throbbed.

Where was he?

Lee sat up, wincing, and a damp cloth slipped off his brow. He picked it up and stared at it in puzzlement, then looked down at the bed. Compared to his own thin floor mat, it was huge, and so soft and comfortable, like being on a cloud. A warm nest of blankets surrounded him.

He heard approaching footsteps and tensed. Then his eyes widened as a man stepped into the room. "Gai Sensei!"

"Ah. You're awake." He smiled, pulled up a chair and sat by the bedside. In one hand, he held a glass of water.

"What happened? Where am I?"

"I found you unconscious in the forest. Here." He held the glass to Lee's lips, and Lee drank. "I brought you to my apartment. Hope that's all right. I considered bringing you to the hospital, but it seemed your problem was just dehydration and chakra depletion, and that's easy enough to treat—just rest and get plenty of fluids. How do you feel?"

"All right. Just sore. I…I guess I must have trained a little too long." He looked down at his hands, flexed the fingers and winced at the jolt of pain. He remembered the sight of his knuckles, torn and bloody. "Did you treat my injuries?"

Gai nodded. "You know, Lee, the will to push yourself to the limit is an important trait in a ninja. But there _is _such a thing as being too reckless with your body."

Lee hung his head. "I am sorry, Sensei. I got carried away."

"No need to apologize. I did the same thing quite a few times when I was your age."

"You did?"

He smiled and nodded. "More than once, I passed out from exhaustion and woke up in my own bed with no memory of how I'd gotten there. I'm lucky that someone always found me and brought me back."

"Then I am lucky I have you." As soon as the words left Lee's mouth, he flushed and averted his gaze. "I mean…otherwise there is no telling how long I might have been out there. But I am fine now," he added quickly.

"Just to be sure, I think you should stay and rest awhile longer."

"You will let me stay here?"

"Of course. Tell me, when's the last time you had anything to eat?"

Lee paused, fidgeting. "Um…lunchtime."

"It's been over eight hours since you've eaten?"

"There just was no time. Neji always goes home right after we finish training, and I wanted to fight him, so I had to do it before he left. And then after I lost to him I wanted to make myself stronger, so I started…"

"Lee."

He fell silent.

"You shouldn't go so long without food. We use up more energy than most people, so we need to eat more." He held up a finger. "A ninja's body is his most important tool. You must take care of yours. Understand?"

"Yes, Sensei."

"At least three square meals a day. If you take care of your body, you'll be able to train harder and longer."

Lee nodded and fumbled for the notebook and pencil he always kept in his pocket. His hands felt stiff and clumsy. He pulled out the notebook, opened it, and tried to write, but it was a challenge just to move his aching fingers.

Gai gently took the notebook and pencil from his hands and set them aside. "Don't worry about that now." He lay his hands on Lee's shoulders and pushed him gently to the bed. "Rest."

"But I want to remember. Your advice is always good, and I don't trust myself to remember. I am not smart like Neji or Tenten. I have to work extra hard to make sure that I benefit from your teaching."

"You work harder than anyone I have ever met. And you're smarter than you give yourself credit for. But right now I want you to lay down, relax, and let your body heal. I'm going to get you something to eat."

"I…I do not want to be any trouble…"

Gai lay a finger against his lips, gently silencing him. Lee felt his eyes widen. Warmth rose into his cheeks.

Gai stood. "I'll be right back." He walked out of the room.

Lee stared at the ceiling, dazed. Had Gai really just done that?

Slowly, he reached up and touched his lips, heart pounding. That touch had lasted for less than a second, but he'd felt it through his whole body like a jolt of electricity. He ran his tongue over his lips and tasted a hint of salt. _Is that what he tastes like?_

Lee gulped. He had to stop having these thoughts. But he was alone with Gai in Gai's apartment, in his _bed—_and oh God, the sheets smelled like his skin, and it smelled so good.

Lee clenched his fists, using the pain in his hands to distract him. This was wrong, so wrong. He needed to stop having these feelings right now. He shut his eyes tight and tried to think about something else. A tiny whimper escaped his throat.

Gai must have heard it; he stuck his head into the room. "Lee, are you in pain?"

"N-no, Gai Sensei, I am fine."

"Just let me know if you need anything." His head disappeared. A few minutes later, he entered the room, carrying a bowl of soup. Lee sat upright as Gai pulled up a chair. He lifted a steaming spoonful of soup to Lee's lips.

Lee blinked in surprise. "You are going to feed me?"

"Well, your hands are injured. This will be easier."

A flush rose into his cheeks. "You do not mind?"

"Of course not. Careful, it's hot."

Lee sipped the broth. His heart wouldn't stop pounding. Gai leaned closer, and his shoulder brushed against Lee's as he raised another spoonful of broth to his lips. He was so close, Lee could feel the warmth of his body as he drank the soup, bit by bit, trying to ignore the embarrassing things his own body was doing.

Gai paused. "Are you all right? You're flushed."

"I…" Lee gulped. "It is nothing, really…"

"You aren't sick, are you?" Gai set the bowl aside and lay a hand against Lee's brow.

Lee closed his eyes, weak with pleasure. His pulse pounded in his throat. "No," he whispered. "I do not think I am sick."

Gai's hand slipped away, and Lee opened his eyes. Gai looked confused, uneasy. "Did I do anything that made you uncomfortable?"

"No!" he cried…then looked down, embarrassed at his overreaction. "It is not your fault. I just…" Lee gulped and averted his eyes.

"What's wrong?"

Lee lowered his head, clutching the sheets. "I have bad thoughts sometimes, Gai Sensei."

His brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"I think about things I should not."

Gai paused. "I know something's been bothering you for awhile, Lee," he said quietly. "I don't know what it is, and I don't want to pry. But I want you to know that you can talk to me if you need to."

"I cannot talk about this. It is embarrassing. You will think I am strange."

"I know it can be difficult to talk to adults about certain things, but sometimes getting those things out in the open can make you feel better. Besides…" He chuckled. "I've been told that my brain stopped maturing at age fourteen, so really, it's not like talking to an adult."

"Who told you that?"

"I think it was Neji."

Lee frowned. "He should not talk to you so disrespectfully."

"Don't worry about it, Lee. That's just how he relates to people. He has trouble being open about his feelings, so he hides everything behind a wall of mockery. I don't take it personally. Besides, being young at heart is a _good _thing. I take it as a compliment."

Lee tried to smile, but the expression withered on his face. Tears welled in his eyes. He blinked them away, but Gai saw them, and his own smile faded. "Lee, what's wrong? Tell me, please."

His voice was so gentle, so warm. It was too much. The strain of all the feelings he'd been hiding finally broke Lee's heart open, and fresh tears spilled from his eyes.

He turned away, his body shaking as he tried to muffle his sobs. His chest hitched. "I have such bad thoughts," he said, his voice choked. "I know they are wrong, but I cannot help it. And I want to tell you everything, but I am afraid. I am afraid I will see disgust in your eyes. I am afraid you will turn away from me and I will be alone again."

"Lee…"

"I am so confused. I feel so lost, and I…I do not want to lose you."

"Nothing you could possibly say could push me away from you. You're dear to me." Gai pulled Lee into his arms and held him. "I don't know what thoughts are causing you so much pain, but I don't believe there's anything in your mind or heart that could make me stop caring about you."

Lee clung to him, hiding his face against Gai's shoulder, his tears dampening his sensei's jumpsuit. Lee sniffled and pulled back, wiping the back of one hand across his eyes. "I—I am sorry. I am getting you all wet."

"Don't worry about it."

"Forgive me, Sensei. I do not mean to be like this. I should have better self-control…"

"You don't have to apologize. I know some people think that tears are a weakness, but I've never believed that. Our feelings are part of what makes us human…and sometimes it takes more courage to show those feelings than to hide them." He rested a gentle hand on Lee's head. "When you're young, it's normal to be confused sometimes, or to have thoughts that seem wrong or bad. But they aren't. It's just part of growing up."

"But you do not know what those thoughts are. How can you know they are normal?"

"I might have some idea of what you're talking about." He paused and pulled back to look into Lee's eyes, keeping one gentle hand on his student's shoulder. "Would this have anything to do with that person you like?"

Lee's breath caught in his throat. He lowered his gaze and murmured, "Sort of."

"Is that person a boy?"

Lee tensed, and his breathing quickened. He felt trapped, cornered.

"It's all right, Lee. It's all right. There's nothing wrong with it."

"I—I like girls too," Lee said quickly—wondering, even as he said it, if it was really true. He liked looking at pretty girls in the same sense that he liked looking at a beautiful sunset. Those feelings didn't begin to compare to what he felt when Gai Sensei touched him. "I do not normally like boys that way. It is just this one person."

"That's fine, too. Some people are attracted to both girls and boys. I just want you to understand, those feelings aren't wrong. And liking boys doesn't make you any less of a man."

"It doesn't?"

"No." He smiled. "As a matter of fact, I'm like that myself."

Lee felt his eyes widen. "Really?"

Gai nodded. "When I was about your age, I had my first crush on a boy. A boy who was rather like Neji, actually—very cool, very popular, and a natural genius."

For a moment, Lee was confused. Why had he brought up Neji so suddenly? Then he realized—Gai thought _that_ was who he liked. He supposed it was a natural assumption. After all, Neji was the only boy his age he spent a lot of time with…and Lee couldn't bring himself to correct his teacher.

"He vexed me with his effortless rise to the top," Gai continued. "I swore I'd defeat him one day. Then…I started having dreams about him. It confused me a lot, at the time. So I think I have some idea of what you're feeling."

"Do you…" Lee blushed. "Do you have someone now, then? I mean…" He lowered his gaze. "A lover?" His blush grew hotter, until his face burned like a torch.

Gai hesitated. "No. To be honest, that sort of thing has never been a big part of my life. But that has nothing to do with who I'm attracted to. I just feel there are more important things than sex. I choose to focus that energy into my training, instead."

"I see." The tension eased out of Lee's shoulders. "Then that is what I will do."

"Don't make any hasty decisions. You're still very young, and I don't want you to cheat yourself out of those experiences—I mean, not just sex, but romance and love. It can be a wonderful thing. Abstaining from all that is just a personal choice of mine. It's not something I want to impose on you."

Lee looked into his sensei's eyes. "Do you ever…" He trailed off.

"Do I ever what?"

"Nothing."

"No, what is it?"

"Well, lately I have been…touching myself a lot," Lee murmured. He cleared his throat, his face so hot it seemed his hair might catch fire. He couldn't believe he'd just said that. "Almost every night. I cannot seem to stop myself."

"Ah. Well, that's a normal part of youth, as well. As long as it's not interfering with your sleep or your training, there's nothing wrong with it."

"Even so, I wish I could stop. I feel like I cannot control it, and that bothers me."

"If you really like, I can teach you some meditation techniques to help control your feelings. Later, though. Right now, I want you to eat." Gai picked up the half-empty bowl of soup. "This has gotten cold. Let me warm it up."

He returned a few minutes later and fed Lee the rest of the soup, spoonful by spoonful. Then he pulled the covers up to Lee's neck. "Now, get some sleep."

"But Gai Sensei…if I am in your bed, where will you sleep?"

"Don't worry about that. Just rest."

Lee nodded and snuggled deeper into the covers. Even if he hadn't told Gai Sensei the whole truth, he felt better, as if some of the weight had been lifted from his heart. Somehow, it seemed, Gai always knew the magic words to soothe his fears. "Will you stay here with me?" he murmured. "Just a few minutes longer?"

"I'll stay as long as you like."

"Thank you." Lee closed his eyes. He found himself wishing that Gai would kiss him goodnight. But of course that was silly.

Then, when he was on the edge of sleep, he felt the gentle, warm pressure of lips on his forehead, and a deep voice whispered, "Goodnight, Lee."

He smiled and drifted off.

Later, he would wonder if he had dreamed that kiss.

-To be continued


	4. Chapter 4

He woke to the sound of Gai moving around in the kitchen, humming to himself. Lee sat up, yawned, and rubbed his eyes. The memories of last night trickled slowly back into his sleep-foggy brain, and his heartbeat quickened. _Did I really tell him all that?_

"Ah, you're awake! Good morning!" Gai entered the bedroom, wearing a flour-dusted apron and grinning. In one hand, he carried a large plate heaped with things that looked like rocks.

"Good morning, Gai Sensei. What are those?"

"Well, I haven't had company for awhile, so I thought I'd make a special breakfast. These are energy cakes. My own recipe. Lots of protein and fiber. Here, try one."

Lee picked up one of the rock-like cakes and inspected it. It didn't _look _very good, but…

He took a bite and immediately had to suppress the urge to spit it out. The texture somehow managed to be gritty and sludgy at the same time. Lee chewed, feeling gravel-like things crunch between his teeth, and swallowed. He forced a smile. "It is really good."

"I'm glad you like it." He beamed. "Neji claimed that he was in the bathroom all day after eating a few bites, but I don't know why that would be. I mean, _I _eat them all the time. He must have a delicate stomach. Not like us, eh, Lee?"

"Mmph." Lee swallowed another mouthful. Already, it felt like a brick sitting in his stomach.

Because he loved Gai more than anything, he ate three of the rock-like cakes. An hour later he was in the bathroom, his jumpsuit bunched around his ankles, his stomach cramping.

He wondered if this was what people meant when they said "love hurts."

* * *

"Are you all right, Lee?" asked Tenten.

"Fine." He walked alongside her, one hand on his stomach.

Team Gai had been assigned a C-rank mission, escorting a merchant and his family to a nearby town. Neji and Gai walked behind the caravan, while Lee and Tenten walked just ahead. They'd only been walking a few hours, and already, they'd had to stop twice for Lee to relieve himself in the woods. And his stomach was _still _cramping.

"You didn't eat any of Gai's cooking, did you?"

He ducked his head, embarrassed. "How did you know?"

"I tried one of his protein bars once. Boy, I won't do that again. I don't know how he eats that stuff. He must have a cast iron stomach."

"It was really not that bad."

"You're very sweet to say so." She glanced at Lee's hands, still bandaged. "By the way, what happened?"

"Oh, I just overdid it while I was training. It is not serious."

Around noon, they stopped to rest. The merchant and his family had lunch in the caravan, while Gai and his team sat outside, eating trail rations. Gai happily munched one of his energy cakes, while the rest of them ate rice balls.

Gai offered a cake to Lee, who tensed. "No thank you. I—I do not want to eat all of yours. You should save them for yourself."

"Don't worry, I brought plenty! Have as many as you want!"

Lee gulped.

"Oh, for goodness' sake," said Tenten. "You know those cakes are the reason he's been running into the woods every five minutes, don't you?"

Gai looked puzzled. "Is that true?"

Lee lowered his gaze sheepishly. "They seem to do something funny to my system. I think perhaps I should not have anymore right now. I am sorry, Gai Sensei."

"You don't need to apologize for that, Lee." He stared at the half-eaten cake in his hand. "Strange, though. I've never had any trouble."

Neji rolled his eyes.

After they finished eating, Neji and Tenten got up and walked over to the caravan. Lee started to stand, too, but Gai said, "Just a moment, Lee. Sit down."

Lee sat. "Yes, Gai Sensei?"

Gai sat down across from him and began to unwind the bandages around his hands. "These need to be changed."

Lee winced as he peeled the bandages away. The gashes on his knuckles were still raw and tender. Gai pulled a jar of antiseptic from his pack and gently spread some over the wounds. Then he pulled a fresh roll of bandages out of the pack and began to wind them around Lee's hands. "You should keep your hands bandaged all the time. That way, this won't happen."

"I will do that, if you think I should."

"I think it would be a good idea. A Shinobi's hands are important. You need to protect yours." He tied off the bandages and smiled at Lee—that smile that always warmed Lee down to his core. Then he dusted off his hands and stood. "There you go. All set."

Lee stood. "Thank you."

"It's no trouble."

Lee hesitated. "Thank you for last night, too. For talking to me, I mean. It helped a lot."

Gai smiled and lay a hand on Lee's shoulder. "Don't mention it."

Lee looked into his eyes. He ached to tell Gai Sensei the truth, and for a moment, the words teetered on the tip of his tongue. For a moment, he wanted to say all the things he'd been keeping bottled up in his heart. He was tired of hiding it.

Then Tenten called, "We're leaving!"

Gai looked up, and his hand slipped from Lee's shoulder. "Let's go."

Lee followed him, eyes downcast. "Yes, Sensei."

"Lee? Are you all right?"

He forced a smile. "I am fine."

* * *

The weeks went by. Lee spent his days training, preparing for the upcoming Chunin Exams.

Gai taught him some meditation techniques, as he'd promised, and it helped. Late at night, when Lee's thoughts strayed toward his sensei's body, he was able to quiet his mind and fall asleep without touching himself…but deep inside, a part of him still ached with unfulfilled need. And of course, he couldn't control his dreams. Images of Gai filled his sleep almost every night. More than once, he woke to wet, sticky sheets.

Overall, though, life went on as normal.

One evening, after Neji and Tenten had gone home, Lee and Gai lingered awhile longer and ran laps together. When they'd finished their two-hundredth lap around the village, Gai said, "Good. Why don't we take a break?"

"I can keep going. I am not tired."

"Just a moment. I want to talk to you."

Lee faced him. "What is it, Gai Sensei?"

"This might seem like a strange thing to bring up out of the blue, but I've been meaning to discuss it for some time." He paused. "You know I care about you. Ever since you became my student, I've felt there was a connection between us. A bond."

Lee's heartbeat quickened. "I--I feel the same way, Gai Sensei."

"And I've noticed that at the end of each day, when our time together is drawing to a close, you always seem reluctant to return home. I know you like to train as long and hard as you can, but I think perhaps you're a little lonely as well. Or am I wrong?"

"No," he whispered, and swallowed. His pulse drummed in his throat. "It is true."

"I've been meaning to ask you..."

Lee waited, holding his breath. Sweat dampened his palms. _He's going to ask me how I really feel about him, _thought Lee, and a dizzying burst of excitement and terror filled his head. He didn't know how he'd answer, if Gai asked…but then, maybe he wouldn't have to answer. Maybe Gai would see the truth in his eyes.

"How long have you been living on your own?"

Lee blinked, taken aback—it was the last question he'd expected—but answered immediately, "Ever since I was seven. That was when I moved out of the orphanage. I was getting too old to stay there, but they could not find a family who wanted to adopt me, so I had to move into an apartment. They let me stay there free of charge."

"Do you like it?"

"I suppose so. I have nothing to compare it to except the orphanage. I guess it is a little lonely. And the building is not well-heated, so it gets very cold in my room sometimes. But I can deal with that."

"I see." Gai cleared his throat. "I've seen the building myself. It doesn't look like a very pleasant place to live. No place for a boy on his own. I'm bringing all this up because, well, I've been wondering…would you like to live with me?"

Lee felt his eyes widen. For a moment, he couldn't speak. He stared, mouth open, mind reeling.

Gai rubbed the back of his neck and smiled self-consciously. "It's your choice, of course. You can feel free to say no, if you're satisfied with what you have now. I know you're accustomed to taking care of yourself. But I want you to know that you're welcome in my home. If you need some time to think about it…"

"Gai Sensei!" Lee tackled Gai in a hug, and the impact knocked him flat on his back.

Gai let out a surprised chuckle and ruffled Lee's hair. "Is that a yes?"

Lee nodded, his face hidden against Gai's chest. He couldn't speak. He knew that if he tried, he would burst into tears of joy.

* * *

Moving didn't take long. Lee had only a few possessions to his name: his clothes, his sleeping mat, and a stack of well-worn books. His few, rickety pieces of furniture weren't even worth taking. Within an hour, he'd moved all his things to Gai's apartment.

"This is your room," Gai said, and opened a door to reveal a spacious guest room with a bed and a writing desk. It was twice as big as Lee's old room, with a large window, curtains open to let in the sunlight.

"This is for me? Really?"

Gai nodded. His eyes searched Lee's. "I want you to be happy here." He sounded anxious, almost shy. It was a tone Lee rarely heard from his sensei. "If there's anything you need or want, let me know."

Lee's throat tightened.

Years ago, when he was a small child living at the orphanage, he'd dreamed about being adopted by someone with kind eyes—someone who would take him home, hold him and make him feel loved and wanted. But it had never happened. He'd waited in breathless anticipation whenever a young couple came to the orphanage, hoping fervently that they'd choose him, but it never happened. No one had even looked twice at the plain, quiet, dark-haired boy. As he grew older, the hope of finding a home slowly faded, and he'd begun to wonder if there was something wrong with him, if he was just unlovable by nature.

But now, that dream had come true. He was wanted. He was loved.

Lee blinked tears from his eyes. "Thank you."

"Are you all right?"

"Yes." He smiled through his tears. "I am just very happy. I feel like I am coming home for the first time in my life."

Gai hugged him close. "Welcome home, Lee," he whispered.

Lee hugged Gai back. Enfolded in those big, strong arms, he felt so secure, as if he were wrapped in a cocoon of love. "It is good to be home."

Amidst the flood of happiness and warmth, Lee felt a tiny flicker of anxiety. Being with Gai Sensei all the time—being so close to him—it would be even more difficult to hide his secret.

* * *

Gai muffled a yawn as he walked down the hall toward his room. "Finally," he muttered, "done with that paperwork." His least favorite part of being a Jonin, by far, was having to file the official report after every mission. Filling out all those forms always left his eyes feeling tired and blurry.

Gai paused. Lee's door was open a crack, so he peeked in.

Lee lay on the floor, snoring softly. Gai chuckled. Lately, Lee had been training into the wee hours of the night, preparing for the upcoming Chunin Exams. It wouldn't be the first time he had collapsed from exhaustion. Gai entered the room, gently lifted his sleeping student and lay him on the bed. _My genius of effort, _he thought fondly, looking at Lee's face.

A few weeks had passed since Lee had started living with him. Now, Gai wondered how he'd ever gotten along without him. He'd never realized how lonely he'd been in his big, empty apartment. Lee's presence was a constant source of comfort, cheer and inspiration.

Gai pulled the covers over Lee, tucked him in, and turned to go. He stopped.

One of Lee's notebooks lay open on his desk. Curious, Gai picked it up. For a moment, he wondered if he should put it back down—Lee hadn't given him permission to look through it, after all. But then, if it was anything truly private, Lee probably wouldn't have left it out in the open.

Gai flipped through the pages, smiling at the sight of Lee's neat handwriting. Such a diligent student…

He froze, staring at a particular page. _A poem? _He hadn't realized Lee wrote poetry. He scanned the lines.

_His coal-black eyes, like the sun_

_Shine upon me and warm me with their glow_

_My heart trembles when he says my name_

_I wonder, does he know?_

Gai raised his eyebrows. He'd never been much of a poetry reader, so he had no standards by which to judge, but he was rather impressed, all the same. He'd never seen this side of his student. But who was the poem about? Not Neji, obviously—Neji had pale eyes. On that night, when Lee had first confided that he was attracted to another male, Gai had assumed it was Lee's rival and teammate, but perhaps he'd been projecting too much of himself onto Lee.

He read on.

_My every thought belongs to him_

_I am his, body, mind and soul_

_He touches me, my being shakes apart_

_With need I cannot control…_

A flush rose into Gai's cheeks. He glanced at Lee, still sleeping in his bed. Then he set down the notebook, feeling a little guilty. There was more to the poem, but he'd already read too much. Whoever it was about, it was obviously not meant for his eyes. He crept out of the room and shut the door.

* * *

Over the next week, Gai's curiosity wouldn't leave him alone. Who was this mysterious boy who had his dear Lee so captivated?

Obviously, it was someone Lee felt very passionately about. _My every thought belongs to him, _he'd written. But the poem offered no concrete details except that the person had dark eyes. Of course, that encompassed about a third of the village.

_The Uchiha boy, perhaps? _No, the poem also described the eyes as warm, and Sasuke's were as cold and sharp as icicles.

_Shikamaru? _No, that didn't fit at all.

It had to be someone Lee knew personally. Gai recalled the line, _"My heart trembles when he says my name."_

Somehow, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was missing a very obvious answer, but it kept slipping through his mind, like sand through his fingers.

He knew he should just forget it. It was probably abnormal to be so interested in his student's fantasy life. But still, that itch of curiosity wouldn't go away.

Gai couldn't hold out any longer. One day, while they were eating breakfast together, he said—keeping his voice light and casual—"So who is he?"

Lee looked up from his cereal. "Who?"

Gai smiled. "The one with coal-black eyes."

Lee's eyes widened.

Gai didn't know what kind of reaction he'd expected—a blush, perhaps, followed by one of those endearing, shy smiles. Instead, the color drained from Lee's face, and an expression of mortified horror flashed through his eyes. "You read that?" he asked in a small voice.

Gai hesitated. "Er…well, yes. I probably should have asked permission, I know, but I found your notebook just sitting out, and I happened to see that poem. It was very good. I never knew you wrote that kind of thing."

Lee stared at Gai with wounded, stricken eyes. "That was private."

Alarmed, Gai said, "I'm sorry, Lee. I didn't realize it would upset you."

Lee stood. "I—I have to go." He bolted from the room.

"Lee, wait!"

Gai heard him running down the stairs, then the door slammed, and Lee was gone.

-To be continued


	5. Chapter 5

Lee fled the apartment, blinded by tears. He ignored the curious stares he received from the other villagers and kept running. He ran until he came to a secluded spot in the woods, away from everyone, and fell to his knees. Tears dripped down his face, onto the grass.

How could he have been so stupid, so careless? He never should have written that poem in the first place...and he definitely should not have left it out where Gai might see it. Now, Gai would surely figure out the truth. Lee sat on the ground, wiped tears from his eyes and hugged his knees to his chest. _Get a hold of yourself, _he thought. He knew that running away had been a silly, childish thing to do. But he just hadn't been able to deal with the embarrassment of knowing Gai had seen something so personal, so private.

And once Gai realized the truth, what would happen then?

After a moment, Lee stood and walked back toward the village.

* * *

Gai wandered through the streets of Konoha, anxious. He'd been searching for Lee for the past hour. He'd checked all the usual spots, but Lee was nowhere to be found.

Since he'd first become Lee's teacher, they'd become close, closer than Gai had allowed himself to get to anyone for a long time. In fact, Lee had become the most important person in his life. Gai couldn't stand knowing that his dear student was upset, maybe even angry at him.

He spotted Kakashi walking down the street and raised a hand to him. "Ah, good morning."

Kakashi looked up from the book in his hand. "Morning. You all right?"

He gave Kakashi a distracted smile. "Why do you ask?"

"You look like something's on your mind."

Gai paused. "Kakashi, what do you do when someone you care about is mad at you? How do you make it up to them?"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Saying 'I'm sorry' is usually a good first step. And flowers never hurt, either. This is a woman we're talking about, right?"

"Well, no."

"A man?"

"Erm…not exactly."

"A turtle?"

"No!"

"Oh good. For a moment I thought you'd started getting freaky with your summoning creature. Wouldn't be the first time someone's done it."

Gai rubbed the bridge of his nose, too distracted even to be vexed by Kakashi's usual cool, flippant attitude. "This isn't a lover I'm talking about, it's a student. I just need to know what to do to make it better."

"Apologize. That's really all there is to it."

Gai took a deep breath. "Right. Thanks. By the way…have you seen Lee today?"

"You mean the miniature version of you that's always following you around? No, I haven't seen him. Wait, is he the one...?"

"Yes." He hung his head.

"I wouldn't have thought he was capable of getting mad at you. What happened, anyway?"

Gai paused. "I read something he wrote in one of his notebooks. Something rather personal. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but when he found out he was terribly upset. He ran out and now I can't find him anywhere."

"Hm."

"Anyway, I'm going to keep looking. Thank you for the advice."

"No problem. Hope things work out."

Gai walked down the street to the flower shop. Kakashi had said flowers never hurt, so…

He pushed open the door, and a bell jingled overhead as he entered. Ino looked up from the magazine she was reading at the front desk. "Good morning, Gai Sensei. Anything I can help you with?"

"Er…" He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling out of place. "Maybe I'll just look around a little." He browsed the store for a few minutes, feeling overwhelmed by the variety of flowers—how was he supposed to know which one was right? He could ask Ino, but he really didn't want to describe his situation to a girl he hardly knew. Then his eyes settled on a display in the corner: a small pool, with lily pads and an assortment of pink and white blossoms floating on top. "That's a lotus, isn't it?"

"That's right."

"One of those, please."

A moment later, Gai left the shop holding the single, fragile-looking white blossom in both hands. Now, he just had to find Lee. As he looked around, it occurred to him—the one place he hadn't checked, the place where Lee was most likely to go when he was troubled or trying to make a decision.

Gai turned toward the Academy.

As he walked, he began to wonder if the flower was really a good idea. He tended to take Kakashi's advice at face value, but then, Kakashi had initially assumed he was talking about a woman, and flowers were usually something boys gave to girls. Lee might think it strange. He might even be embarrassed…and after what had happened, the last thing Gai wanted to do was make him feel awkward or self-conscious.

Gently, he tucked the blossom into his vest-pocket, out of sight.

Gai entered the Academy and walked through the halls, up the stairs, to a balcony overlooking Konoha—the very balcony where Lee had once declared his dream to Gai and his teammates. Sure enough, he found Lee there, sitting on the bench, his shoulders slumped and head bowed.

"Lee."

Lee gave a start and leaped to his feet. "Gai Sensei!"

"I've been looking all over for you. I was worried."

Lee lowered his gaze. "I did not mean to worry you," he murmured.

For a moment, they stood in silence, facing each other.

Then, in the same instant, they said, "I'm sorry."

Lee looked up, surprise on his face. "You do not need to apologize…"

"Yes, I do. I betrayed your trust. I looked at something that wasn't mine to see, and I caused you embarrassment and pain. I'm very sorry, Lee. I promise it won't happen again."

"Thank you," Lee said quietly. "I--I should apologize too. I overreacted. I should not have run away. You have done so much for me, and I—"

"No. You haven't done anything wrong." Gai took a step closer and looked into Lee's dark eyes. They were red-rimmed, he noticed, and his heart cramped. Lee had been crying. Crying because of him. "Forgive me?" Gai whispered.

Lee nodded.

Gai wrapped his arms around his student. Lee hugged him tight…then he pulled back. "What is this? You have got something in your vest pocket."

"Oh." Warmth rose into his cheeks. "It's nothing."

Lee looked puzzled.

Gai sighed and pulled the lotus blossom out of his pocket. "A friend of mine told me that if you want to apologize to someone, you should get flowers."

Lee's eyes widened. "That is for me?" he asked, pointing at himself. "Really?"

"Yes. But I wasn't sure you'd want it. I worried you might think it was silly."

"I do not think it is silly."

"Then it's yours, if you'll accept it." He held out the lotus, and Lee took it in both hands and held it close to his heart.

Gai looked down at the soft blossom. "It looks like I broke one of its petals." He stroked the bent petal with his thumb. "I shouldn't have stuffed it in my pocket like that. It was careless."

"That is all right. It is still a beautiful flower."

Gai looked at Lee. He was gazing down at the lotus, a soft, pink flush in his cheeks. "Yes. Very beautiful."

* * *

They walked home together. Lee held the lotus blossom in both hands, smiling. It always made Gai happy to see Lee smiling.

He lay a hand on his student's shoulder. "What would you like for dinner? I'll cook tonight. Or we can order in if you'd prefer."

"Can we have spicy curry?"

"Of course." He looked into Lee's eyes. There was no trace of distrust or resentment in them. Lee was always quick to forgive, and Gai knew that his student wouldn't hold this against him…but still, something inside him ached. _I broke one of your petals, _he thought.

Lee was so strong-willed, so filled with the fire of youth, it was easy to forget that he was also a sensitive soul. But Gai wouldn't make that mistake again. He would be more careful in the future.

"Gai Sensei?"

"Yes?"

"About that poem I wrote..."

"It's all right. You don't have to explain anything to me. You don't have to tell me who it's about, either."

Lee blinked. "You do not know?"

"No, the poem never gave a name, at least not that I saw. But that's fine. I don't need to know."

Lee looked down at the flower again. "Thank you."

As they walked, he watched Lee from the corner of his eye. He knew Lee was still insecure about his looks, but Gai had always thought he was adorable. He liked Lee's big, expressive eyes, his thick brows, his long lashes--even the little curve in the center of his upper lip was somehow endearing. _He'll grow into a very attractive young man, _thought Gai. Unusual, yes, but all the more striking and beautiful because of that.

He wondered why he was thinking those things now. He found his mind drifting back over the words of Lee's poem, picking out the clues.

Dark eyes. Someone Lee was close to. There was one obvious answer--one that Gai had not considered, not _allowed _himself to consider.

Could it be...?

Gai's heartbeat quickened, and his mind flinched away from the thought, but it was too late. He couldn't unthink it.

He knew that people whispered rumors about them. He'd overheard a few, and it always hurt, but he'd accepted that ignorant people would make assumptions. He and Lee were very close, after all, and they weren't shy about hugging in front of others, and now they were living together--a man and a twelve-year-old boy who was not related to him, sharing an apartment. Of course there would be rumors. Some people, he reminded himself, just didn't understand the bond between a sensei and student, how powerful and pure and beautiful it could be. Some people saw sex in every shadow. He'd always comforted himself with the knowledge that they were wrong, that there was nothing of _that _in his relationship with Lee.

But what if...

No. Gai slammed the door shut on that line of thinking before it could go any further. Lee was his student, Gai was his teacher, and they loved each other in a simple, pure, wholesome way, and that was all there was to it. Because if he allowed himself to consider any other possibilities, he could not be with Lee anymore, and that was unthinkable. They needed each other.

But what if...

He squelched the thought.

By the time they arrived home, he'd succeeded in putting the issue out of his mind.

* * *

That night, Lee lay awake, gazing at the snow-white lotus flower in the glass vase next to his bed. He sighed, snuggled into his warm, cozy blankets and closed his eyes. He could hear the shower running, and he knew Gai was getting ready for bed.

An image flashed through his head: rivulets of water running over a broad, muscular back…strong hands rubbing the soap into a lather, spreading it over his wet, slippery skin…

Lee gulped and hid his face against the pillow. He mentally walked through the meditation exercises Gai had taught him, but his thoughts kept drifting back to that image. After awhile, he gave up and reached into his pants.

A few minutes later, he wiped off his hand with a wad of tissues and dropped them into the trash. Tears prickled in the corners of his eyes.

He was living with Gai Sensei. It was like a dream come true…except he still lived in terror that Gai would discover the truth about him. Why did these confusing, embarrassing needs have to spoil his happiness?

He resolved to find some way to control his desire. He was a genius of effort. He would master his body with mental discipline—and he would make sure that Gai Sensei never, ever found out. If he did, Lee was sure, their wonderful bond would be soiled forever. Gai Sensei would not want him to live here anymore. He would push him away. Lee just had to make sure his secret fantasies remained secret. But a thought tickled the edge of his mind.

_What if he feels the same?_

For a moment he remembered the brief touch of Gai's finger on his lips, the gentle kiss on his forehead. Then he pushed the thought away. It would never happen. Gai was twenty-six. Lee was twelve.

He closed his eyes, and that little voice whispered deep in his mind: _But maybe someday._

Someday. He clutched the word to his heart like a talisman as he drifted off.

He dreamed of Gai.

-The End

AN: I should probably mention, this story is a prequel to "Closer." So if you want to know how this all gets resolved, read that. I'm aware that this is very open-ended...but since all my stories are part of the same continuum, I couldn't really end it any other way.


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